What Did You Do?
I saw a neighbor the other day, and she approached me sincerely concerned about whether she had done or said something to upset me. I told her “Of course not. Why do you think I’m upset with you?” “Because when I walked in,” she said, “you gave me a really dirty look.”
I assured her that any dirty look was completely unintended, and that it might have been that I had taken a bite of something I didn’t like, or the sun was in my eyes, or something else entirely. Honestly, I felt terrible that my sweet neighbor would think I was mad at her because I unconsciously made a mean face at her.
It made me hyper aware of the fact that how our actions are perceived may have nothing to do with how they’re intended, and that – without even knowing it – we can say or do things that send the wrong message.
Our body language can be misread or our tone of voice can be misconstrued. The phrase “Resting ‘B’ Face” captures this perfectly (even if it does so in a blatantly sexist way): without intending to send any kind of message at all, our faces or our posture can be telling others “back off.”
It’s really true: It’s not what you say, it’s what they hear (or think they hear, or see, or, you get the picture.) And if what they hear isn’t what you meant to say, all kinds of bad things can happen.
The definition of misunderstanding is:
1. An incorrect interpretation of a certain piece of information.
2. A disagreement between two or more parties.
I believe that, in many cases, #1 causes #2: two people find themselves in conflict because one of them misinterpreted what the other said or did.
History is full of such crossed wires, the most famous of which may have played a role in President Truman’s decision to drop two atomic bombs on Japan.
When Japanese Premier Suzuki was asked in 1945 if his country would surrender, he said, “Mokusatsu,” which roughly translated means, “We withhold comment” or “ We are refraining from comment at the moment.” In Washington, however, his response was mistranslated as “We are treating your message with silent contempt.”
Those are two very different interpretations of the same word, one of which could have left some wiggle room, the other not so much.
Thankfully, our daily miscalculations are not so life and death. But they can still have an effect on our relationships with others.
Do you and your boss always understand each other? Have there been times you felt you were unfairly held accountable for something that, when scrutinized, revealed that you were either misunderstood or were given unclear instructions? Does your partner regularly seem confused or perplexed by what you say vs. what you mean?
Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood,” and it’s a great place to start. I would add that, particularly when using social media, it’s also a good idea to practice clear communication so as to avoid being misunderstood.
When you communicate in print (email, social media, etc.), double check everything, from punctuation and phrasing (Covfefe, anyone?) to current contextual meanings.
When I know I’m going into a meeting where I may have a different point of view than others, I practice presenting my arguments in front of the mirror and/or a camera so I can see where I might be giving off visual cues that detract or change the meaning of my message. I know that how I deliver my case can enhance, undermine, or even change what I’m trying to convey.
You can also ask your friends and family to tell you how you come across when debating something you feel strongly about. Do you come off as angry and close-minded, or do you seem genuinely interested in a conversation that contains opposing viewpoints from yours?
So, the next time you find yourself in a confrontational conundrum ask yourself, “What am I doing that is causing this conversation to go off the rails?”
It may be nothing at all. But just checking in with yourself can keep those misconceptions at a minimum and help ensure your true meaning is understood.