The Rewards of ‘Bonus Family

My stepdaughter was married recently, and the event (which was absolutely beautiful) reminded me of the joys of what I like to call my “bonus family.”

Step-relatives and in-laws get a bad rap in our culture, but in my experience, steps and in-laws can be the best of both worlds. They’re “family,” so you have implicit permission to be more relaxed in their presence, and there’s the expectation that you’ll be there for each other when times are bad. But they don’t come with the baggage that comes with being “the baby of the family” or carrying a decades-long grudge over being (or not being) your parents’ “favorite” — or whatever resentments siblings bring with them into adulthood.

Plus, it’s just a fun parlor game trying to figure out what to call, for example, your stepsister’s stepson’s wife.

When I married my husband, I became a stepmother, and my husband became a stepfather. And our kids all got bonus siblings. Of course, all the “kids” were adults by then, so it was much easier to fold into their lives without the pressures of having to do any actual parenting (or suffer the backlash from said parenting).

I’ve also benefitted greatly from having another bonus family member in my life: my ex-husband’s sister. I loved her when we were in-laws, and we were both sad when the divorce happened — fearing this might be the end of our relationship. Fortunately, we’ve grown closer since the divorce (she even runs this website), and I hope we’re always in each other’s lives.

I’m also close to my husband’s sister-in-law, as well as my ex-husband’s sister-in-law — two more “bonuses” I never imagined would be in my life. 

I’ve lost count of the in-laws, steps, former in-laws, and steps of steps, who have enriched my life. I don’t know what label to give many of these bonus family members, but there’s a connection in the heart that defies labels.

As we head into the holidays, I wish you and your families (and Bonus Families) all the laughs, good times, and #OnlyJoy this season brings.

Below are some photos of some of my beautiful bonus family over the years!

Photos 1 + 2 courtesy of Grant Solomon!