Now that The Big Event is over, you can get down to the matter at hand: building a life together. Which is really what marriage is all about. The amazing thing is that, as much as you know and love each other today, that knowledge and love will deepen and grow as time goes by.

I’ve found that the most bonding moments in a marriage aren’t those that would ever be included in your “relationship montage”: the sunset vacation photos, your wedding pictures, or the fancy-dress events. Real life just isn’t that Instagramable.

The moments that you’ll grow as a couple are the flat tires, the trips to the grocery store, the health scares, the disagreements that could turn into fights but both of you have learned to take a breath and hold your tongue before it escalates. Or maybe it’s when one of you just knows what the other needs, whether that’s some late-night junk food — or a hug.

Trust, Forgiveness, #OnlyJoy

Tending to your marriage is a daily business, and the three things I put on my daily “relationship nurturing to-do list” are trust, forgiveness, and joy.

If you’ve decided to take the leap of faith that’s required to get married, you more than likely already trust each other. It’s a crucial component of any relationship, and it’s best delivered in bulk. Obviously, staying faithful to each other is a big part of earning that trust, but it’s built in more ways than that. It’s doing what you say you’re going to do, and, conversely, trusting that your partner will do the same. I’ve found that trust, once bestowed, is usually earned. And vice versa.

True, it’s a leap of faith, but most things worth having are.

Forgiveness is always in order, especially in any long-term relationship. We’re all just humans, and we do stupid things, from loading the dishwasher incorrectly to thoughtlessly making unkind comments. It’s best to be generous with forgiveness. We’re all doing the best we can.

Of course, my longtime mantra has been #OnlyJoy. I relied on it when I was going through a tough time, and it found its way into my daily life and sustained me when the world — with its pandemics and supply chain issues — seemed determined to aggravate me.

To be sure, it’s impossible to be joyous all the time, but I make a special effort to find joy in the little moments with my husband — and to let him know that he’s the reason I feel that way. Feeling appreciated never gets old.

Broaden Your Circle of Love

One of the best things about marriage is that it’s about more than two people. It’s about building a community of people working to sustain each other through life’s trials, and celebrating each other’s joys.

I’ve come to believe that the only thing that truly matters is our connection to others. That includes our significant other, of course, but it also includes the complex network of family and friends who make our lives richer, even though we may not see them as often as we want.

The older I get, the more I treasure those relationships, and the more gratitude I have for those friends and family who go out of their way to bring people together for parties, lunches, card games, and other casual gatherings.

If you don’t have one of those people in your life, you should apply for the job. Sometimes you have to create what you want to be a part of. I promise, nurturing those relationships will be good for your soul.

For all the newlyweds, soon-to-be newlyweds, longtime couples, singletons, and anyone looking for love, may your days be filled with #OnlyJoy.

Kathleen

*There are some special newlyweds in my life, and some special soon-to-be newlyweds, and they inspired this letter. But the sentiments are aimed at all newlyweds (and soon-to-be newlyweds) everywhere.