With the Holidays Looming, It’s a Good Time to Assume Positive Intent

I have learned that a simple question — “Where are you from?” — is one of the most perilous things you can ask someone.

I get asked this question a fair amount. I always assumed it was because I don’t have a Texas accent (a product of growing up in New York) and not because I’m Asian-American. So, I never took offense when someone asked me where I was from.

But, as I’ve learned, there’s a potentially more insidious message one could take from the question: “No, non-white person, I mean, where are you really from?”

I know this because I often hear or read stories of people being offended when asked where they’re from. They interpret the question as subtly, or overtly, racist, a message that people who look like I do are inherently “other.”

I’m glad I didn’t assume that interpretation of the seemingly simple question about where I’m from, because I’ve had some pleasant conversations with the (presumably) well-meaning people who asked it — some of whom, it turned out, were also transplanted New Yorkers, so we got to reminisce about “back home.”

I do not doubt that some people, when they ask where a person is from, aren’t just being friendly. Perhaps they are being racist or xenophobic. But I have found that there’s no harm in assuming that they’re just making conversation. In other words, in assuming that they have positive intent.

Assuming positive intent can head off all sorts of disputes. As we head into the holidays, it’s a good time to assume positive intent, particularly with those relatives we may not always see eye-to-eye with, particularly as world events (such as the events in Gaza) are fracturing many alliances.

Most people are genuinely just curious. Or perhaps they don’t have a master’s in international relations. We don’t always have to agree with others, but we can head off conflicts if we assume they mean well.

Assuming positive intent is a powerful, transformative exercise in empathy. When I take the time to consider where the other person is coming from — literally and figuratively — I find that it’s much easier to connect with them and have a meaningful relationship. That “relationship” may be a 5-minute interaction at the checkout stand, with a longtime client, or an extended family member I only see during the holidays.

When we assume positive intent, we give those relationships room to breathe. When we lead with empathy and humanity, we allow others to see our whole selves, not just the curated versions we show on social media.

In the spirit of the holidays, before you head to the in-laws (or before they take over your guest room), please take a few moments to breathe, put yourself in their shoes, and assume that they honestly do mean well.