If We Want Bold Women, We Must Raise Bold Girls

So much women-oriented messaging these days is all about “bold.” We’re advised to be bold, embrace our boldness, wear bold colors, make bold moves — you get the picture.

I asked myself why this messaging was directed at women, and not men. And then the obvious answer hit me: men don’t need to be reminded to be bold. They do that naturally. In fact, some might say the world would be a little better place if men were a bit less bold. Yet I never see ads advising men to go through the world just slightly less self-assured.

That’s because America loves bold. It’s in our national DNA.

But is telling women to be bold even remotely helpful? Can platitudes overcome what appears to be a nearly gender-wide proclivity for timidity, anxiety, and risk-avoidance? Yes and no.

Platitudes can serve as decent reminders for women who have already done the work to explore their own penchant for non-boldness. For those women, who have spent years overcoming their inner shy girl, a simple reminder to “make bold choices” might be enough to snap them out of their default timidity.

But many women aren’t that self-aware. And that’s because we’ve been socialized our whole lives to be careful. Study after study has shown that young girls are treated as more fragile and less capable than young boys. Even when the risks are negligible — say, a skinned knee or a twisted ankle — girls aren’t encouraged to take the same risks boys are.

One of my favorite examples is Boy Scouts vs. Girl Scouts. The pinnacle of a Boy Scout’s journey is a week-plus backpacking trip to Philmont, a rugged ranch in New Mexico’s inhospitable back country. Girl Scouts doesn’t even have such a dedicated property, where girls can spend multiple days outdoors with nothing more than they can carry on their backs.

One friend who is a former Girl Scout leader wanted to take her high school troop backpacking, but the local Girl Scout council didn’t even offer training or resources for troops that wanted to backpack. The local Boy Scout troops, on the other hand, start the boys on monthly backpacking trips in middle school.

Girls spend their early years being physically coddled and protected, so it’s no wonder that many of us grow up afraid of being hurt. And that reluctance to take physical risks becomes a reluctance to take other kinds of risks — such as starting a business, running for office, speaking up in an intimidating situation, and asking for a raise or promotion.

I acknowledge that much of this fear is well-grounded. Women are physically smaller and less muscular than men, and the history of men physically overpowering women is a long one. Also, when a woman becomes a mother, she’s even less willing to take physical risks that could leave her offspring motherless.

That risk-aversion can also be seen among mothers, especially single mothers, who don’t want to endanger a steady paycheck by asking for a raise, speaking out against injustice in the workplace, or starting a new business.

But many women are reluctant to take risks even when their physical safety isn’t in danger, and even when their kids are no longer dependent on their support. Un-boldness, it seems, is in our gender’s DNA.

To break the cycle, we must stop telling girls they’re fragile — at least no more fragile than boys. Empower them to speak up and ask for what they want. Say “no.” Acknowledge and reward them when they exhibit courage. Enroll them in self-defense classes. Take them to see The Woman King, a two-hour treatise on women who were bold as hell.

Raising a generation of bold girls can’t help but embolden the rest of us.

When I’m feeling less than bold (or even when I’m not and I just want to maintain my current level of boldness), here’s what I do:

Seek out role models: True, many women eschew boldness, but history is filled with bold women who blazed their own trail, took unfathomable risks, and made the world a better place. Malala, Greta, Hillary, Harriett, Madonna. And those are just the ones who don’t need last names.

Start small: If I’m not up for a big risk, I take a small one. Or maybe it’s just risk-adjacent. If, for example, you want to run for office but you’re not quite ready to make the leap, sign up for one of the many, many trainings offered to women and/or new candidates. Simply knowing what you’re leaping into can make it easier to take the risk.

Go outside in: This one is my favorite. If my inside is feeling a little timid, I camouflage it in outer boldness. Bright colors, unexpected accessories, daring pairings — it’s all good. Sometimes, just looking bold makes me feel bold.

Keep my bold muscles in shape: If I don’t have any bold moves to make in the near future, I find ways I can regularly exercise my bold muscles. That can be going to events where I don’t know anybody, looking for a new challenge (which is how I found fly fishing), and saying yes to a blind date.

Go forth in boldness, and #OnlyJoy.

Kathleen